Missing Della Jane

I always thought I wanted an aesthetically pleasing Christmas tree. I thought I wanted coordinating ornaments, warm, white lights, and soft, sparkly floral accents. I thought I wanted a neutral tree skirt and matching stockings. But I don’t. I don’t want that at all. Yesterday, when no one was around, I finally mustered up enough courage to hang her ornaments on our tree. Each one gifted to us has so much meaning. It warms my heart to see how many angel wings are on our tree this year. We are so thankful. As I was hanging them up, I couldn’t help but think “ These aren’t the ornaments that I should be hanging up this year.” I wish I was hanging up “Baby's First Christmas” ornaments. I wish she was here to “help me” put them on our tree. Years from now I should be hanging up ugly, handmade ornaments that my preschooler brought home for me. Ones with her messy handwriting all over them. I could totally see her accidentally writing the “D” in Della backwards in typical preschool fashi

Three months, We miss you, Della.  We found out I was pregnant with you in January. I excitedly cleaned out the TJ Maxx, infant Christmas section. After reviewing my purchases, I found out that I am a l huge Rudolph fan! Hahaha.  This season has proven to be a challenging one. I keep thinking of how cute you would’ve been in a snowsuit. I imagine your little head in a little hat with two pom pom “ears” on it. Christmas decorating was equally fun and devastating. As newlyweds, we didn't own many decorations. We decided to go to Hobby Lobby. We filled our car and justified each item by saying “My parents have had ____ for over 20 years!”  My heart ached as we passed by sections of “baby's first Christmas” ornaments. We picked out a photo frame ornament and decided to put your picture in it. To lighten the mood, we started a tradition of picking out funny ornaments for each other. I convinced Dad that you would have loved a set of little bird figurines wearing sweater

October 11th, 2023 Dear Della Jane, I wish I could show you off. You deserve all the attention. One thing that hurts me the most right now, is knowing that when I walk into Target, people don’t see me as your mom. They just see a 20 year old girl. I hate it. I’m not sure why, but I just want people to know that I am your mother. I want people to know you were here. I want them to know that my heart is forever changed. God made me giggle last night. He gave me just what I wanted! After attending a grief support group, dad had me stop at Target for some printer paper. I made it all the way to the office supplies section before I looked down at my shirt. I looked down and started laughing. In big purple letters, my name tag read “Mary, Della’s Mom”. I had forgotten to take my name tag off after the support group. I felt you smiling down on me. God knew I needed that moment of joy.  Daddy and I aren’t able to make memories with you the way we planned. We anticipated you helping us create o

It was Thursday, September 7. I was 40 weeks four days pregnant with our first child. Since I was overdue, when I went in for my doctor’s appointment that day, they wanted to do an ultrasound to check on the baby and to talk about induction. That afternoon, we got to hear our baby's heartbeat, and we even got to see the baby take practice breaths. Everything looked perfect. An induction was scheduled for the following Thursday. I was so upset. I was uncomfortable. I wanted my baby here. Later that day, I called around to different hospitals and I asked if I could come in for an induction. They all said, because I wasn’t 41 weeks, there was no way they were able to induce me because it wasn’t medically necessary. They assured me my baby was fine. I accepted that and went to bed.  On Friday morning, I woke at 4:17 with awful back pain. At first, I was angry, thinking it was just regular discomfort, vowing, “There’s no way I’m dealing with this for another week!” I was able to fall ba